Growing the Wings Again


Time changes. Changes pretty quickly. One moment you have everything that you could ever wish for, all the cherishing moments, and all the best things that you could dream of having. But the very next moment it is all snatched away, like it never existed.
The feeling is exasperating. Suffocating. All your systems fail down like a crack in the castle of glass. As if your heart was pulled out of your chest, and pierced deep.
Such is the feeling of losing someone who mattered so very much that you already made long term plans. The imaginary porch 20 years down the line, where you sit together to have the morning coffee. The imaginary trip to the coolest and the most beautiful places, with that someone, holding hands, with fingers entwined. But what happens instead?
It is all flushed out of your life in one blow. All connections cut off. No knowledge of each other’s whereabouts.
I know many people while reading this will pass notions such as, “yet another broken heart. Yet another devdas”.
Maybe. But I’d call it the bird with its wings chopped of.

When you fall for someone, you don’t look at virtues and vices. You don’t look at his/her salary slips. Neither do you take a background check. It just so happens, that after the long series of late night talks, you find the perfect you right in front of you. Same was my story.

It was a young age. No one knew what the future would be. And there she was, securing amazing marks in board exams. Me? Not too bad either. But you know how it is with guy. Lethargy kills time.  But whatever. So it was time to select our streams. She took off to commerce, and I took up science. We were together for over 4 years, but rarely did we share a moment. All pranks, laughter, making fun, teasing others. That’s about it. Not even sharing phone numbers. But as they say, you learn the value of someone when you lose someone. Same happened. As the courses shifted apart, we kind of grew closer. Within a month or so, the 4 year old ice broke, and we shared the numbers.
The story began there. ****123635. The number still imprinted in my head.
Anyway, so series of late night chats began. The more we talked, the more I realized how stupid I was, not to see a person who could share such similar views on almost everything. The things which were hated, were hated by both!
Then suddenly came a couple of days when something went wrong and her phone number got blocked. Hell came up upon us.
But those two painful days made me ask questions to myself. How come a person who never mattered much before, suddenly became the centre of my day?

Time moved on. And it was that period of the time when girls giggle amongst each other pointing at you. So it was in the air. That something was going on here. That was a time when I could talk almost anything. All the despair, all the happy times, all the failures, and all the success, all the dreams and all the plans.
And as the high school final year just began, both realized that it was time to stop fooling ourselves and give it a name. Though there was no proposal, she would always complain. Make fun of my manhood for not being able to act the clichéd way, by kneeling on my knees, at some fancy restaurant.

Days moved on. Even after the honeymoon period was over, the love never got over. That one glimpse would be all that mattered. That one smile would bring the sunshine to your day. I remember this one time, I dropped a text message, “Gud mrning sunshine!”. And her mother read the sms, and made fun of her.
Slowly, issues started creeping up. And with these issues, differences grew up. We got to know the kind of people we really were. While I was full of hope, and positivity, she was the worry-some kind. She would always worry about the “what-if’s”.
We thought parents could pose a problem for us, in the long run. She was extremely worried about that. So I took up the responsibility to clear all her worries, and out of guts, I called my dad, asked him out for a walk, and spoke everything. Told him how much I loved this girl. At first, being a parent, my dad was pretty upset. But I made him realize how important it was for me to get his approval. And finally! All the hurdles got cleared.

There were so many tiny little things that mattered to us.
That particular seat at Café Coffee Day, CP Block B. I don’t know if I can sit there ever now.
The McDonald’s at B Block, CP.

There was this unsaid understanding. We would always share the bills. Stick together. She made me have rickshaw rides that were pretty scary for me as they were damn bumpy. Then I was a person who could not express my feelings to my parents. She realized that I write pretty well, so she cameup with this idea to write letters to my dad, telling about my feelings, and how thankful I was always to him for everything he did for me.
I still don’t understand how we reached to this point today. When we would not speak a word to each other.
She would have fights at home. Or a moment of sadness and worry about her studies or about some article for college magazine. And at random hours, I would be the one person she could come up with. If there was a party, my suggestions would matter. In spite me being a sucker at picking up clothes. Similarly when I would have to go out, I would ask her suggestions. And she would make fun of me, calling me oldy, for my selection of clothes.

I would always believe, that no matter what the problems would be, it could all be solved. It could all be come over with. But I guess, it doesn’t work the way you hope it would.

Today, I am clueless as to what is going on. Numb to everything that is around me. Inside, there is this fire, fire to get her back, wrap her so tight in my arm, never let her out of my sight. But I cant. Because it is not what she wants. In fact, it seems it was all over for her almost half a year back already.

I want to grow up again. Walk again. But I have lost my strength and faith. I want to get that strength back again. I want to have that someone for whom I could write the poems again. I want to have that someone again whom I can hold so tight to feel the warmth even above the clothes. That pretty face that could make me forget all the troubles I ever had. That breath that would talk to me in my ear, the tickle of that breath into my ear. If this was a paper, thankfully its not, all the ink would have been smudged.

I wished she was reading all of it, and understand what she meant, and still does. Even though things have gone absolutely out of hands, but the heart never stops beating.
I really pray to god that everything reverts to the way it was.
But somewhere I know that it might not happen ever now. Yet, I want to grow my wings back. Stop the free fall I am into right now. Get a control of myself.
Each day I visit god, and each day I ask him, when I caused to harm to a single creature, then why am I being tested now? And if I have to be tested, then can you at least shower some strength within? And what would be the result of this test? What if I pass? What’s in there for me? Will I get her back? Or is it the same old answer, “do your work, don’t worry about the end result”?

If you are reading this…just in case…sigh… Never mind. Who am I kidding.

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4 thoughts on “Growing the Wings Again

  1. I am pretty sure that I read somewhere that you are a hopeful optimistic person. Brother, it is what you are, regardless of that one person to which your life was APPARENTLY focused.
    There are no wings chopped of. There are no weary limbs.
    You know what I went through and I have always counted on you as my support system.

    Also, get laid soon 😛

    Like

    • That is what I need to tell myself now. Build up that confidence in myself.
      And I hope you never need any support and do well in your life.
      Pretty sure getting laid is not gonna happen 😛 I mean you need to have that physique.

      Like

  2. PT… This too shall pass!
    The life does not end here.. you have a great bunch of responsibilities and expectations to live up to..
    think about the people who lose their parent(s).. 😦

    Try to be optimistic.. I know it is tough, but not impossible

    I am with you 🙂
    We will fight through this!

    Like

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