Where to find joy?

The world is running across all its length and breadth, through all the verticals, seeking guidance from every other self claimed or media crowned God Man, Guru or Yogi, for one single word, a single bouquet of emotions – for happiness.
We all are trying to find happiness in our own different ways, be it from a job that we dearly want, or a salary package that we think will suffice, or visiting shivirs where someone can teach us how to stay in bliss or by waking up at 5 to breath in and out infront of a television. But before running the rat race, did we really understand what happiness is? Unless we define what something is, how do we know the path to attain it?
It is like visiting a shop, and looking for something randomly. You might put plenty of stuff in your cart, without being sure what was it, that you really needed. In an attempt to put everything in the cart, you may or may not receive the product of real utility. Only, now, you have another additional task, to segregate the useful from the tons of useless.
Wouldn’t it be better to have the exact name of the utility, go to the exact aisle, pick only what you need, and Bill and get out?
Hence the need to understand what we seek arises. Happiness, joy, bliss – it all comes down to just one set of feeling, where you truly are at rest and alive full of energy at same point of time. You bodily functions are smooth and there is a serene calm feeling from within. A feeling from within, is the point to be taken home. Till we understand that the feeling of joy is from within, all the efforts put towards attaining it from external sources is futile.
The answer to the question, “what makes me happy?” Has always lied within. It is the system, the education system and the social laws around that have forced us to take the longer, tougher and pseudo intellectual path of Logic.
If I ask you, what is 4 times 8, would you reflexively reply with 32, or would you start adding 4 to itself for 8 times, to reach 32?
That’s is what logic is doing to us. For things to which we already know the answer to, we are seeking a formula, a derivation or an equation to reach to.
Coming back, I ask again, “what makes you happy?”. Take a moment right now. This very moment. Whatever that you are doing, at this very instant, is it keeping you in a comfortable state, or are you cringing while doing it.
For example, if you’re interacting with a person, is the conversation giving you a sense of development and a feeling of comfort, or is it keeping you in the edge of your seat, and a notion of running away far far away the moment he turns his back?
There it is. That’s your answer. But what is it actually that we are doing? Suppressing something that could keep us at peace, and rather, binding ourself to the uncomfortable situation. Now it might seem like a trivia. I mean, how is talking to this person for these 10 minutes going to hurt in the long run?
You need to understand that every action that we are creating is creating ripples. So by spending those pressurized moments, you have affected your spirit negatively. Now each subsequent hour, you continue to “adjust” , “compromise” or in other words “try to be logical and practical” you must understand that you are basically compromising with your own happiness.
So if you chose an option to sacrifice it, why do you seek the answer to how to be happy? While it’s that simple. Do what keeps you comfortable. So what really is adding to your joy. Stop the Bollywood act of sacrifices and the system hyped concept of taking the logical route for all answers.
So if you continue compromising with your pleasure, for subsequent hours, and weeks, weeks to months, and months to years, the mathematical function to this is not simply additive. It hold a multiplicative effect. The anti-joy rises exponentially. It hence takes a toll on not just your spirit, but starts showing on your body. Your poor state of health. Your sleep disorders. Insomnia, anxiety, and above all, the newly marketed business of depression.

Unless you choose what keeps you happy, how do you think you will be happy. A very simple technique that works for every situation is the famous flip the coin technique. You flip a coin, assigning two options to it. Head- option A, Tails – option B. Once you flip the coin, now no matter which side the coin lands, your inner self has given you the answer to what you really want.
Going by your intuition is perhaps going to be the happier choice. And going by which side the coin landed upon, is your logic speaking. Ironical, isn’t it? Putting your faith on a coin, and still calling it logical?

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Letter from You. To Me.

Hello you, the future me,

I am talking to you. And since you are reading this, let me tell you something, that probably no one has told you yet. You survived. Yes. That’s right. You fought valiantly, and have survived it all. You fought each of those moments where you thought that it’s time to give up, that it’s time you take a break, that you have had enough, that life’s been unfair to you and that there is no God that exists, because well, if he did, then why would he allow you to go through all the sufferings and pain and failures. There have been moments where you had the fundamental question, that each suffering soul asks, “why me? Why me, when I did no wrong to anyone”.

But what matters is this: You fought each of those moments, even if at times you sort of spared a moment thinking about giving in to these thoughts but didn’t. What matters today is that you stood strong on your ground, on your belief system, and that you went on to live, either with it or around it. Let me tell you what all you have gone through already, as of this last day of this August month of 17.

You made some terrible choices. Terrible choice of your University to graduate from. A terrible choice of trying to protect your high school love, so hard that you suffocated that person right out of your life. You took away someone’s freedom, thinking that you only meant the best for that person. Because you thought what you believed was the only truth. Because you thought world is either black or white. Right or wrong. Your way, else it’s the highway. Well guess what, when you give people choices in binaries, you lose them altogether.

Quite recently, Facebook popped up with one of your pained poems from the year 2014. You know, the ones which show This Day That Year. I don’t know if they still feature that, at the time when you are reading this. Anyway. Upon going back to that Facebook post, you saw that the post from 2014 was itself a re-share from the year 2012. So 2012-14-17, at the exact same time of the year, in fact the same dates even, you have been at the very same cross roads. In these 5 years you have physically moved on, but you remained stuck in the same time stamp. Your anthem still remains Johnny Cash’s Hurt. Yes, you are still listening to it, even right now, while sitting alone through the night at Ranchi for your cursed project. You still catch re-runs of How I Met Your Mother, tagging yourself to Ted Mosby guy, with all his emotional mess ups.

You barely moved on with one heart ache, and you fell in love again, with another beautiful soul. Or so you thought. You remained committed, changed your entire life plans for this one girl. Almost tied down with her. But. Again. All in vain. But a different story this time. You loved someone who could not love you back the same way. Yet another wrong choice. Her loss I guess because I know am damn good at loving!

You had brilliant job offers, one from Microsoft, and another from Intel. But being the kind of weirdo you have always been, you let go of them again. You chose an extremely low paying choice which grilled your ass like never before. You failed terribly in this job, because you thought you knew it all within first 10 months of getting into it. Pride came your way. Humility sort of got covered under Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak. Its presence would be felt at certain occasions, but temporarily disappeared.

Because of your own poor self-care, you screwed up with your health. A 23 year old who is currently looking like the digits were reversed. Typhoid, that got back within a month, a spinal injury going worse, since 2011. And pained muscles all over. Why? Wrong choices.

So what good has this life been so far to you? What is it that you believed? What is it that still never deterred you from taking the wrong calls? Why are you reading this, years down from today?

Now here’s the good part. Enough with the self-roasting.

You have always believed in miracles. You have a very simple attitude – if one wants something, real badly, he is supposed to go down all the way down. Fighting every single bad, to get what he wants. Not letting anything rest on the weak shoulders of destiny.

You never give up. Even when you failed in your job, you took ahead plenty of learnings ahead, made a place for yourself among the best of minds around. Even at times when your body tried to give up, you pulled off another all-nighter completing the task in hand. Because you loved doing what you were doing, which was NOT sitting in a cubicle compiling tons of codes.

You know love. You understand love. You have loved people around you with all your honestly and commitment. You crave for love. You have always been surrounded by it. Your parents are like no one else’s. Who have seen you in your worst, in your best, in your most horrible choices, in the prime of your times. Your family, your cousins, your friends. For times when you had thoughts of letting go and start leading a life just so simple, it has been these beautiful loving souls, the true loves of your life, who didn’t let you fall back. Who stood behind you to push you to walk another mile, when you thought it’s time to sit on a boulder and maybe sleep for a while.

What is your belief system? It’s simple. Do no bad to anyone. The checks and balances will be taken care by the energies of the Universe. You have a habit of not giving up on someone else. Then why give up on yourself?

Times right now are messed up my friend. You are perhaps about to get jobless 16 days from now. You have no idea what you are doing in your life. The levels of unsurity of where life is taking you is pretty damn high. But isn’t that sort of exciting too? When you went for hiking, in Kasauli all by yourself, you had no clue where the unravelled roads led, but you still went ahead, right? And then! Your age is on your side! You are just 23! You are NOT supposed to be all sorted out, right? I mean, if everything was sorted already, then what is the purpose of life? If all the questions are pre-answered, then what are you here to solve?

Intuitions. Go with your intuitions. You have held yourself back way too much. Stop seeking approvals from others. You are you. You are what makes you, you. Makes sense that way. There are plenty of others, out there, but just one piece of you. Go write another poem. Go ahead with your book. Go ahead with composing the songs you want. No one’s stopping you from having the long mane. Unless ofcourse you are having a hairloss problem!

So even if nothing makes sense right now, we are going to go ahead with whatever occurs next. In all the failures up till now, we both have realized one thing. In the end, it all works out. Maybe that happens the hard way, but you just happen to land where you are supposed to land. You might have taken a longer route, a detour, a path with pain, a tiresome road, but nevertheless. You reach where you planned and wanted to reach. You know that, in your heart. The loses you have had, were something that you did hope for to happen at some tiny timid part of your soul, which you tried to suppress. But well, the timid guy is mostly the right guy too!

So whatever it is that you went through, are going through, will be going through by the time you re-read this, they were all planned by you, yourself. The thought of it occurring was already beamed by you into the Universe. Hence, their occurrence. Just like when you toss the coin, you know which side of it you prefer to land on your palm.

Learn to cope up at your own sweet pace. If you are pained, then allow the tears to roll. And if you are joyous, then bring out that smile through your, I hope the still existent, beard and moustache.

Look man, end of the day, your mates will be there to help you out of the well of your troubles, but it is going to be you who has to climb your way up.

I am sure you are about to, or even better, already featured on that 30 under 30 magazines. Know this much. We both have gone through shit because we don’t know how to play it safe. We are the stubborn kind. And no matter how much people suggest that we take a break, that we must take the safe path, just don’t. After all,

“Every Second That’s Passing By Is Becoming Your Past. Better Make It Into A Story Worth Telling Tomorrow!”

We are the different kind. We do not “accept” things in their generic packaging. We generate our own goals, and make sure we get them.

Good night,
You.

​Day-23rd: I’ll be Fine!

I woke up late today. Leisures of sunday as you know! It is a bright sunny winter morning. I walked up to my balcony and took out one Marlboro.
Eyes half open and with little shivering I absorbed the heat from every puff I was smoking and began to plan out how I am going to spend the rest of my day. I received a call from this girl I had met a month back asking me out for a movie. I was not in the mood. There was a subtle sadness in the wind today. Or maybe it was just my half opened eyes unable to see clearly. Nevertheless I rejected the offer making some lame excuse. I wanted to spend the day with myself even if it meant stressing out the whole day surrounded by a pool of crappy thoughts on how boring the life has become now!

It’s been 2 months I shifted in Pune and despite all the happening aura I had heard about I was just not able to get in sync with it.
I finished my 3rd cigarette and went to take a hot shower. I am used to boiling water hitting against my skin burning all the stress and reminding me of the stone I have become. I decided to wear loose cargos and a black sweatshirt. Totally my stuff you know!

Grabbed my wallet and keys, locked my flat and switched on the thought transmission from my brain. This little devil loves to be the pain in my arse by constantly feeding me with totally u related thought streams and compelling me to pick any one and then be lost in it. Time flies, thoughts are the drivers for my time!
I went to nearest Starbucks and was wondering what I shall order. Coffee for sure but which one? Its been 2 years and yet am unable to figure out their menu and products. I wonder if they are the grand illusionists or I am blindingly dumb.
I started to regret the rejection I made to this girl for a movie. But, fuck it. Who cares. I took my order and went out to smoke a puff or two.
I was about to lit it that I forgot.

It was time for my medication. 

I hallucinate a lot.

She came smiling sweetly giving me those bitter pills and kissing me on cheek. 

You will be fine. I love you“, she said and I finally came out of my visions.

DAY-19th : Getting late!

I do not remember how or when I found myself stranded on this land. I am not even sure if this is an island or just a remote part of some landmass. My lower back hurts a little towards my left ribcage and there are a few bruises on my knee as well. So far I am able to walk properly but the back does hurt sometimes with shootings of pain leaving me groaning with discomfort for next ten minutes. For God’s sake why can’t I remember anything? It is like until today’s morning everything has been swept clean and erased completely. There is not even a figment of imagination left to recover from the traces of my memory bank. Nevertheless, I shall plan what to do next!
I feel hunger slowly trying to gush out its frustrated lava in my stomach. Let’s see what I can find out. I think my lower two ribs are broken. God! Where the hell to find a doctor in this forsaken land? It seems to be late afternoon. I think whoever left me or however I came here, I surely have lost all my belongings assuming I did have some ever!  I think I shall follow this soothing wind flowing towards east. I can feel the freshness when it blows past my worn out face. I need a shower I guess. It stinks. Have I been on a bathing fast? I can’t stop from humoring myself especially when in a few hours I will be praying that there are no man eaters on this island. Oh wait! It’s coming! I see a room with LCD TV and a couch, navy blue in color. I can recall the scenes from this movie, very gruesome ones, I guess yeah, Cannibal Holocaust! That’s the name. Thank god! Well, that was a good start. Out of all the things that could have happened in my life before landing here, Mr. God why would you make me recall scenes from that movie? Han?  I quickly begin to walk towards east arming myself with thick branch that fell off this tree. I guess I am not a botanist because I do not recognize the vegetation here. There is pin drop silence around me, not even birds flying over my head or hiding behind the thick bush there. I just hope I find some help.  

After walking a mile or so I find a small pond. At last I can quench my thirst but it hurts to bend down. I think I shall sleep for a few hours. I already feel exhausted. No food only water yet! But I have to keep walking. I can’t trust this unknown land. Searching for food I don’t want to end up between somebody’s canines with my red water serving as wine for their dinner. What is this sweet smell? Hmm! Fruits ripening somewhere close. I love the fresh mangoes. I think I’ll save a few more before I start looking for shelter. Sun will set in the next hour or so.

 It all sounded like I am living a typical movie plot right now with a guy left stranded on a remote island and learning to survive but no! I just woke up, brushing my teeth and trying to remember scenes from the dream last night. It felt so real that I woke up looking for bruises in my knee and softly probing my lower back for any broken bones! Time is running and am getting late for office. Lets pack up!

A Thousand Stars – Part I

He is standing on top of his 16-floor tall office, with a cigarette between the index and middle finger of his heavily jeweled-with-different-stones left palm, already nearing its filter now. A thousand stars, a hundred thoughts, a chilly night and just a half step for the penultimate ending of the story. He takes the last drag and stashes the bud, among the pile of other buds on the floor. He looks up in the sky. But that is not where the thousand stars lie. The zooming cars with their headlights set on high beam below, the street lamps, and the neon signs of Deloitte, Yahoo, Microsoft and other giants around, are the stars that are visible now. As he looks up, and inhales the smoke in a long deep drag, and feels the familiar sense of satisfaction and relaxation spread through his body, followed by the unpleasant sensation of burning in his throat and lungs, he mentally reminded himself to cut down. But now was not the time to think about himself, there were far more important things to deal with right now; and the tobacco converted into smoke vanishes into the cold air with fog.

Things had taken such great turns in life, that he forgot what the stars in the sky looked like anymore.

“Is it over now? Is this it?”

He asks himself. He no longer remembers what the fight was for. He no longer remembers what brought him here. In this moment, in these times. He knows he must run for it, but the question is,

“Run for what? What is the final destination? When am I supposed to stop running? When does it end?”

He looks at his palm. Shaking today, not the firm and stable palm he had just yesterday in the meeting room. He can’t understand why is it shaking, even when the telecom giant, InterNetworks had won the deal. Another feather in the hat. Last three-quarters had seen an exponential growth in the value of his company. A company today, a young start-up yesterday. Maybe it is the cold winter air and the only-good-for-looks business suit that can’t keep him warm.

10 years. It has been 10 years since he started out with his life like a Phoenix. Burnt to ashes and rose to heights. For 10 years the only thought he lived with was to reach a point where the world knew who he was. Of course, in that everyone was hidden just that one whom he wanted to win back.

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