It is okay, to not be okay.

“How are you?”
With a meek smile, I respond, “I’m ok.”

Even to text message replies, the Exclamation Marks are getting replaced by Full Stops. But the uneasy-ness within, the turmoil, discomfort, and emotional chaos – it all says, maybe things are not ok.

While we all are preparing for an endemic, for the economy to bounce back, markets to run bullish, workplaces to reopen and favourite restaurants to dine-in at instead of takeaways, something has coagulated my spirits within. Couple of days back, I tried explaining my state of mind to a very dear cousin of mine, but as my soul and speech tremoured, the words didn’t really put sense to what I am experiencing. Last 11 months have done so much to the very core, that now I am unable to point out exactly what is it, that is affecting me so much.

And then I wondered, isn’t it okay? Okay to not be okay for sometime?
Haven’t we all gone through so much in the last year and a half, that it is quite obvious to be shaken up a bit. Even though we are trying to go back to the old normal, but the “new normal” has already settled in.

After losing someone extremely dear to me. Someone who has always been the source of smiles and laughters in our family. Someone who I cannot think of in past tense. I feel I am broken deeply by the loss. Right from my birth till date – whenever I felt low in life, or upbeat, the best of news, I had to just share it with him. Tiniest of success, he would make it so big! His presence lightened up the room, and there cannot be one single soul on the face of this earth could think of him the other way. But 5 days of the Chinese virus, has broken me apart. We lost him. Even now, as I speak of him, I remember our last video call. His last WhatsApp message to me while battling was to tell me not to step out as the virus is unformidable one. Till date, I am unable to hold back my tears, just thinking of him.

And while I was battling through this loss, toxic work culture just snatched away my mental stability. During the mourning period, the “new” hire comes in. Takes away majority chunk of territories I looked after. The weekly calls with the management guy who had zero ounce of leadership skills, wanted the old guys out of the system, made it a point to ridicule 2 years of efforts by calling it “sheer luck”. Travelling for 6 days a week, away from family, compromising on my health and relationships at home, eating trash food staying in trash hotels, building a kick ass country rank 1 team which performed top-class in the Chinese-virus hit year – the not-so-gentleman called it “sheer luck”. What was worse, the CEO who knew the entire team personally till few months prior to the investors kicking in, had no clue of the kind of third class treatment being offered.

Respect and dignity cannot be compromised. Especially when I was underpaid. Not by a small difference. But atleast 2.5X. Without a job in hand, I resigned. Next 4 months, I tried bootstrapping something. Building something. Went back on field, sweat it out. And just when things seemed to pickup, the second wave of the Chinese-virus shook us apart. The team dissolved, money dried up, clients shied away and it was curtains. This followed by further losses in family, losing more people to the pandemic. Younger ones passing on…

Currently I am trying to make ends meet at a place which is fueled by young blood (not that I am too old, just that team is too young). And the young ones, of the new generation, they have got the sharpest of brains. The speed at which they grab technology is incredible. And here I was, used to think I am the tech-guy in my circle! I decided to switch to a completely new area of work and in a new industry. I have just made it to my 3rd month. The grinding is real, as real as it was about 7 years back when I have stepped out of my college. The insecurities, uncertainities and the last 1 year has eaten into my confidence levels. “Seeking approvals” has made its way to my pallet of nature. Financial responsibilities have stolen away the articulate rebel from me. “Nothing good can happen to me”, a phrase I had only read in fiction or heard in sad drama on movies, is kind of seeping into my thought process.

And as someone asks the customary question, “How are you?”, the lip pressed smiling me responds, ” I am ok.”

I am unsure of what lies ahead. Unsure of where I am headed. Unsure of how and when my soul repairs. Unsure of if my innate nature comes back to me and the fire ignites back. Right now, I feel exhausted. Tired. Fatigued. Right to my bones and spirits. I feel I have slowed down. Nothing seems to interest me. I try going out for drives. Take myself out to meet cousins. But meeting people does not excite me anymore. Meeting people’s eyes is difficult. Stating what I mean or feel, has stopped happening.

So much has happened, so many losses, toxic work culture, impact on the tiny spirit of building something I could have called my own, and the intense grinding on-going for months – all this seems never-ending now. I wonder, isn’t it alright being bogged down?

Atleast that’s what I am trying to tell myself — It is okay, to not be okay.

Me and My Dad

During high school and engineering days, I used to be surrounded by friends who would either speak of some kind of a strained relationship with their fathers, or a relationship that was more formal than the ranks in the army! And I would never be able to relate to these conversations. I guess, if I go by their stories, my father never really possessed the “fatherly figure”; and I have my own share of stories to share, to justify when I say this.

Grade 11th. When puberty hit hard, and being one of the 90’s kids, SRK and Johar were the idols, neigh, baton holders of romances, is when I thought I had found “the one” in the Commerce stream. I would pass on the lit stares at her from the window of our PCM branch classroom. And thankfully, it wasn’t one of the sad dramas of one-sided love. However, also since I was the 90’s kids, falling in love was not something you were allowed as per the societal norms. Seeing some behavioural changes, and the regular purchase of SMS packs, my dad one day asked me to join him for “a walk”. The walk started with the usual Bees and Birds, but it progressed to a stage where I could really open up about what I was feeling, and experiencing. This is also the time when I got the “mai bhi iss age aur phase se guzra hun”! And the song played “Daddy, daddy cool!”! And this became the start of our “walks”.

Sometimes these walks would be extremely tough and painful, when my actions would breach his trust on me. But most of the walks have actually been quite liberating. The first time I had my first beer. The time when I had my second “the one”. And the time when “the one” would be the one for someone else! A lot of my firsts happened in my life, because my dad was the most liberal and patient person who knew me right to my bones. Whenever I took decisions that no one else would dare to, I knew I could take those decisions because my father would be the only person whose trust I would need.

Getting the first Computer. Writing my first line of code because of it. Dropping fancy IT jobs after completing my Engineering, and entering FMCG, of which I had no clue of! Parting ways from a career that could have loathed the bank account of a 20-yr old, to a job that paid 20k/month. Deciding to move out from my University every semester and join R&D departments of other Engineering colleges, parting ways from family temporarily. Relocating to Pune to finally make some money, but living away from family. Buying my first car. Buying out a flat. Quitting from a job that was fulfilling financial needs but compromising on self-respect. Taking decision on my relations with friends and families. Zoning out at times when I needed serious self-conciliation and realignment of spirits. And recently, taking care of my health, when I was down with Covid-19, and he himself nearing 60, and age that is most susceptible to the threat of this virus.

I could do and be what I wished and wanted to, because I had the faith of ones. The only ones I needed it from – my own parents, with my father being the source of the force!

And what overwhelms me, till this date, and this moment, and shall always do – my dad could not get a chance to enjoy the same with his own dad, lost him when he was in 8th standard, and has been working since he was 17, covering his education through evening college, and developing himself by listening to BBC radio, and learning French when I had opted to the language, just to be able to help me out and teach me!

As they say, not all superheroes wear capes. And the one I know, happens to allow me to live around him!

सुनो?

सुनो?
यूं तो सन्नाटा है आज,
तुम्हारे मेरे दर्मियां,
मगर इन बेरोक हिचकियों को,
सुनो।

बदलाव/Change

बदलाव तो आया है।
यह उम्र का पढ़ाव ही तो लाया है,
एक बदलाव तो आया है।

उड़ते रहने तलब थी, अब एक ठहराव सा आया है,
हो न हो, बदलाव तो आया है।

पहले फिजूल खर्ची, और “अब किसने किधर पैसा बचाया है?”,
यकीनन, बदलाव तो आया है।

किस लड़की से इश्क करें, और अब “किस लड़की को मां से मिलवाया है?”
जी बदलाव तो आया है।

घूमने जाना मतलब बियर ठंडी, और अब “Limca, eno, अन्य दवाइयां कौन लाया है?”
बदलाव तो आया है।

मेखाने जाना पहले, और अब आज दोस्तों ने चाय-पकोडों पर बुलाया है,
हम सब में यह बदलाव तो आया है।

बिन सर-पैर की बातें करना, और आज उन्हीं बातों ने याद करने पर हसाया है,
यह भी एक बदलाव तो आया है।

दुनिया बेहद हसीन थी, पर दुनियादारी ने बहुत कुछ सिखाया है,
खुद में एक बदलाव तो आया है।

बदलाव ही तो एक मात्र स्थिरता है, यह भी तो उसी ने सिखलाया है,
यही तो उसकी माया है!
सोच का यह बदलाव, बदलाव ही तो लाया है!

– प्रभास बाहुबली तिवारी।

Lifaafa

Garmiyon ki chutti pe nani ke ghar jana,
Der-sawer uthna, aur uthtey hi alloo paranthey khana.
Dino din masti karke, jab apne ghar janey par ansu tapkana,
Annt mein nanaji ka diya lifaafa hi toh kamaal dikhata.

Idhar garmiyan khatm hui hi hoti, aur fir janmdin ajana,
Papa mummy se mehenge se mehenga tohfa farmana,
Aur chunki pados ki aunty tohfa lana bhul gayi uss din, unka woh ghabrana,
Annt mein ek rupaye wala woh lifaafa hi toh kamaal dikhata.

Chalte-chalte school khatm, ab toh college mein admission karwana,
Jahan tahan se rishtedaaron ke bhinn bhinn sujhaav aana,
Najaney kitne hi form raton raat bhar jana,
Annt mein form aur fees daak ghar bhejne lifaafa hi toh kamaal dikhata.

College ke dauraan der raat lautna, mummy papa ko satana,
Bahar se khakar ayenge, yehi batana bhool jana,
Aur dekhte hi dekhte naukri dhundhne Gurgaon ke chakkar lagana,
Annt mein, kayi dino ki nakami baad, “offer letter” likha lifaafa hi toh kamaal dikhata.

Dhool-paseena-mehnat ke baad ghar laut tey hi bina khaye sojana,
Fir agle sawere usi kaam pe lag jana,
Tender jeetne ke junoon mein khud ko hi bhulana,
Annt mein sarkari babu ki table pe lifaafa hi toh kamaal dikhata.

 

Umr chaahe jo bhi ho, zindagi ka padhaav mein koi fark na jhalkata,
Akhir sabki muskaan ka kaaran, lifaafa hi banjata!

Law of Attraction as personally experienced

I read two books that were highly recommended to me in my school days – The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari and The Secret. I read these notable self help books at an age when everything was served on the platter for me by my dad and I was not really aware of Maslow’s Pyramid either. What retained with me was just an idea – I shall get what I desire. What did not make sense to me were words like “Manifestation of Wants and Wishes” or how can I “attract what I really want”. Four years in engineering went by, with no recollection of what I had read between these pages in my 10th and 11th standard.

Things took a turn in year 2014, in my 7th semester, when I did not even graduate but I had at least 6-7 job offers from some of the top IT firms across globe, Intel, Unisys, JK Group among others. Yet I was not really satisfied, as these jobs would entail something that I had been already doing for 4 years – coding and delivery. Something that lacked excitement and was monotonous.

In University days itself I knew what my core competency was – Delivery and Management. I knew that I could get things done from others, without getting my own hands dirty. I had a hunger of working with multiple people on multiple projects and did not want to be limited to single cubicle. However, being a fresher there was one challenge – BEING A FRESHER!

Now, I had two choices, either be a cliche or take up something that’s challenging but with high RoI. From IT, I jumped into FMCG and appeared for a Business Development role. I was not picked up for a managerial role, but it was a starting towards the journey of experiencing what the two books had written on them.

To share without getting into much details, within 9 months of working as a fresher, I was handed over a double promotion. Three months from then, Senior Marketing Manager. Within a year and a half I was leading projects with multi-location based teams of 55, dealing with Government Secretariats, CM houses, executing projects worth crores, leading IT teams myself having zero experience in coding.

So how did this happen? How does the law of attraction actually work?

First and foremost. This is part science, part magic! It does require commitment and effort! But this is a sure way to a guaranteed realization of what you wish for.

Arriving at your goal is a journey. Lets think of your current state of life as your starting point A. And the success point where you want to reach as Point B. This Point B needs to be very clear with you. If its having a home to yourself, then you should be as clear on it as how many rooms do you want, who would you be living with, where would you be having this home and all minor details to it. Without knowing exactly where you want to go, how can you reach there, right? So pen this down. Exactly where you want to reach.

Next step, after knowing your destination is – travel on it. Knowing where you want to reach, now you need to figure out your mode of transport. What is the course / route you’d take to reach your dream state?

What must be understood is there are times when you do not get the cab of your choice. The Ola guy might just cancel your ride. You’d have to go for an Uber. Or maybe the road you thought you’d take is blocked. Re-routing is required. Just keep in mind that the destination never changes.

Now what the concrete action for achieving the above, rather than talking metaphors and analogies?

Steps to Success

Here are few steps that worked for me. You could might as well give it a try :

1. Have a personal diary/post-its/chart paper or any thing you find is going to remain accessible to you at all times. Write down the destination location on it. What exactly do you want from the Universe? To the core details.
2. Page Two: whats your mode of transport? What will it take to reach there? What are your options? What are your strengths? Layout the entire route map.
3. Page Three: What are the road blocks that you are aware of? What could be the possible hurdles? For example, if you are trying to study abroad, finances could be one road block. If you wish to be a Project Manager, lack of required skill/certificate could be a block. For maintaining good relations with your family, lack of proximity could be one such hurdle. So pen it down. Know the obstructions beforehand rather than being surprised (or shocked) while you have already departed on route.
4. Page 4: What’s your re-route? You know where you want to be. You know that there are few road blocks ahead. So what’s the solution? If Ola guy isn’t coming to you, how about an Uber? Or what if you figure out there is a public transport available as well. Isn’t that a good news, you’d be saving finances as well! So now that you know what could be possible stoppages on your journey, try to figure out the re-routes. If there is something lacking, get that tool first.

That’s all. Four steps. On a daily basis, keep yourself aligned on the route to your desired destination. There might be un-calculated speed breakers or bumps. The destination however, never changes. When we were young with milk teeth still fixed on jaws, we would go to all lengths to get what we wanted right? We created cause and incidents that would lead us to get the favorite toy or that Happy Meal from McDonald’s. Demand what you want in the same way from the Universe.

— Prabhas Tiwari

Where to find joy?

The world is running across all its length and breadth, through all the verticals, seeking guidance from every other self claimed or media crowned God Man, Guru or Yogi, for one single word, a single bouquet of emotions – for happiness.
We all are trying to find happiness in our own different ways, be it from a job that we dearly want, or a salary package that we think will suffice, or visiting shivirs where someone can teach us how to stay in bliss or by waking up at 5 to breath in and out infront of a television. But before running the rat race, did we really understand what happiness is? Unless we define what something is, how do we know the path to attain it?
It is like visiting a shop, and looking for something randomly. You might put plenty of stuff in your cart, without being sure what was it, that you really needed. In an attempt to put everything in the cart, you may or may not receive the product of real utility. Only, now, you have another additional task, to segregate the useful from the tons of useless.
Wouldn’t it be better to have the exact name of the utility, go to the exact aisle, pick only what you need, and Bill and get out?
Hence the need to understand what we seek arises. Happiness, joy, bliss – it all comes down to just one set of feeling, where you truly are at rest and alive full of energy at same point of time. You bodily functions are smooth and there is a serene calm feeling from within. A feeling from within, is the point to be taken home. Till we understand that the feeling of joy is from within, all the efforts put towards attaining it from external sources is futile.
The answer to the question, “what makes me happy?” Has always lied within. It is the system, the education system and the social laws around that have forced us to take the longer, tougher and pseudo intellectual path of Logic.
If I ask you, what is 4 times 8, would you reflexively reply with 32, or would you start adding 4 to itself for 8 times, to reach 32?
That’s is what logic is doing to us. For things to which we already know the answer to, we are seeking a formula, a derivation or an equation to reach to.
Coming back, I ask again, “what makes you happy?”. Take a moment right now. This very moment. Whatever that you are doing, at this very instant, is it keeping you in a comfortable state, or are you cringing while doing it.
For example, if you’re interacting with a person, is the conversation giving you a sense of development and a feeling of comfort, or is it keeping you in the edge of your seat, and a notion of running away far far away the moment he turns his back?
There it is. That’s your answer. But what is it actually that we are doing? Suppressing something that could keep us at peace, and rather, binding ourself to the uncomfortable situation. Now it might seem like a trivia. I mean, how is talking to this person for these 10 minutes going to hurt in the long run?
You need to understand that every action that we are creating is creating ripples. So by spending those pressurized moments, you have affected your spirit negatively. Now each subsequent hour, you continue to “adjust” , “compromise” or in other words “try to be logical and practical” you must understand that you are basically compromising with your own happiness.
So if you chose an option to sacrifice it, why do you seek the answer to how to be happy? While it’s that simple. Do what keeps you comfortable. So what really is adding to your joy. Stop the Bollywood act of sacrifices and the system hyped concept of taking the logical route for all answers.
So if you continue compromising with your pleasure, for subsequent hours, and weeks, weeks to months, and months to years, the mathematical function to this is not simply additive. It hold a multiplicative effect. The anti-joy rises exponentially. It hence takes a toll on not just your spirit, but starts showing on your body. Your poor state of health. Your sleep disorders. Insomnia, anxiety, and above all, the newly marketed business of depression.

Unless you choose what keeps you happy, how do you think you will be happy. A very simple technique that works for every situation is the famous flip the coin technique. You flip a coin, assigning two options to it. Head- option A, Tails – option B. Once you flip the coin, now no matter which side the coin lands, your inner self has given you the answer to what you really want.
Going by your intuition is perhaps going to be the happier choice. And going by which side the coin landed upon, is your logic speaking. Ironical, isn’t it? Putting your faith on a coin, and still calling it logical?

Letter from You. To Me.

Hello you, the future me,

I am talking to you. And since you are reading this, let me tell you something, that probably no one has told you yet. You survived. Yes. That’s right. You fought valiantly, and have survived it all. You fought each of those moments where you thought that it’s time to give up, that it’s time you take a break, that you have had enough, that life’s been unfair to you and that there is no God that exists, because well, if he did, then why would he allow you to go through all the sufferings and pain and failures. There have been moments where you had the fundamental question, that each suffering soul asks, “why me? Why me, when I did no wrong to anyone”.

But what matters is this: You fought each of those moments, even if at times you sort of spared a moment thinking about giving in to these thoughts but didn’t. What matters today is that you stood strong on your ground, on your belief system, and that you went on to live, either with it or around it. Let me tell you what all you have gone through already, as of this last day of this August month of 17.

You made some terrible choices. Terrible choice of your University to graduate from. A terrible choice of trying to protect your high school love, so hard that you suffocated that person right out of your life. You took away someone’s freedom, thinking that you only meant the best for that person. Because you thought what you believed was the only truth. Because you thought world is either black or white. Right or wrong. Your way, else it’s the highway. Well guess what, when you give people choices in binaries, you lose them altogether.

Quite recently, Facebook popped up with one of your pained poems from the year 2014. You know, the ones which show This Day That Year. I don’t know if they still feature that, at the time when you are reading this. Anyway. Upon going back to that Facebook post, you saw that the post from 2014 was itself a re-share from the year 2012. So 2012-14-17, at the exact same time of the year, in fact the same dates even, you have been at the very same cross roads. In these 5 years you have physically moved on, but you remained stuck in the same time stamp. Your anthem still remains Johnny Cash’s Hurt. Yes, you are still listening to it, even right now, while sitting alone through the night at Ranchi for your cursed project. You still catch re-runs of How I Met Your Mother, tagging yourself to Ted Mosby guy, with all his emotional mess ups.

You barely moved on with one heart ache, and you fell in love again, with another beautiful soul. Or so you thought. You remained committed, changed your entire life plans for this one girl. Almost tied down with her. But. Again. All in vain. But a different story this time. You loved someone who could not love you back the same way. Yet another wrong choice. Her loss I guess because I know am damn good at loving!

You had brilliant job offers, one from Microsoft, and another from Intel. But being the kind of weirdo you have always been, you let go of them again. You chose an extremely low paying choice which grilled your ass like never before. You failed terribly in this job, because you thought you knew it all within first 10 months of getting into it. Pride came your way. Humility sort of got covered under Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak. Its presence would be felt at certain occasions, but temporarily disappeared.

Because of your own poor self-care, you screwed up with your health. A 23 year old who is currently looking like the digits were reversed. Typhoid, that got back within a month, a spinal injury going worse, since 2011. And pained muscles all over. Why? Wrong choices.

So what good has this life been so far to you? What is it that you believed? What is it that still never deterred you from taking the wrong calls? Why are you reading this, years down from today?

Now here’s the good part. Enough with the self-roasting.

You have always believed in miracles. You have a very simple attitude – if one wants something, real badly, he is supposed to go down all the way down. Fighting every single bad, to get what he wants. Not letting anything rest on the weak shoulders of destiny.

You never give up. Even when you failed in your job, you took ahead plenty of learnings ahead, made a place for yourself among the best of minds around. Even at times when your body tried to give up, you pulled off another all-nighter completing the task in hand. Because you loved doing what you were doing, which was NOT sitting in a cubicle compiling tons of codes.

You know love. You understand love. You have loved people around you with all your honestly and commitment. You crave for love. You have always been surrounded by it. Your parents are like no one else’s. Who have seen you in your worst, in your best, in your most horrible choices, in the prime of your times. Your family, your cousins, your friends. For times when you had thoughts of letting go and start leading a life just so simple, it has been these beautiful loving souls, the true loves of your life, who didn’t let you fall back. Who stood behind you to push you to walk another mile, when you thought it’s time to sit on a boulder and maybe sleep for a while.

What is your belief system? It’s simple. Do no bad to anyone. The checks and balances will be taken care by the energies of the Universe. You have a habit of not giving up on someone else. Then why give up on yourself?

Times right now are messed up my friend. You are perhaps about to get jobless 16 days from now. You have no idea what you are doing in your life. The levels of unsurity of where life is taking you is pretty damn high. But isn’t that sort of exciting too? When you went for hiking, in Kasauli all by yourself, you had no clue where the unravelled roads led, but you still went ahead, right? And then! Your age is on your side! You are just 23! You are NOT supposed to be all sorted out, right? I mean, if everything was sorted already, then what is the purpose of life? If all the questions are pre-answered, then what are you here to solve?

Intuitions. Go with your intuitions. You have held yourself back way too much. Stop seeking approvals from others. You are you. You are what makes you, you. Makes sense that way. There are plenty of others, out there, but just one piece of you. Go write another poem. Go ahead with your book. Go ahead with composing the songs you want. No one’s stopping you from having the long mane. Unless ofcourse you are having a hairloss problem!

So even if nothing makes sense right now, we are going to go ahead with whatever occurs next. In all the failures up till now, we both have realized one thing. In the end, it all works out. Maybe that happens the hard way, but you just happen to land where you are supposed to land. You might have taken a longer route, a detour, a path with pain, a tiresome road, but nevertheless. You reach where you planned and wanted to reach. You know that, in your heart. The loses you have had, were something that you did hope for to happen at some tiny timid part of your soul, which you tried to suppress. But well, the timid guy is mostly the right guy too!

So whatever it is that you went through, are going through, will be going through by the time you re-read this, they were all planned by you, yourself. The thought of it occurring was already beamed by you into the Universe. Hence, their occurrence. Just like when you toss the coin, you know which side of it you prefer to land on your palm.

Learn to cope up at your own sweet pace. If you are pained, then allow the tears to roll. And if you are joyous, then bring out that smile through your, I hope the still existent, beard and moustache.

Look man, end of the day, your mates will be there to help you out of the well of your troubles, but it is going to be you who has to climb your way up.

I am sure you are about to, or even better, already featured on that 30 under 30 magazines. Know this much. We both have gone through shit because we don’t know how to play it safe. We are the stubborn kind. And no matter how much people suggest that we take a break, that we must take the safe path, just don’t. After all,

“Every Second That’s Passing By Is Becoming Your Past. Better Make It Into A Story Worth Telling Tomorrow!”

We are the different kind. We do not “accept” things in their generic packaging. We generate our own goals, and make sure we get them.

Good night,
You.