In The Endless Pursuit Of Happiness.

poetry, travelogues, bucket full of emotions…

The Scar’s Still Deep. — October 23, 2015

The Scar’s Still Deep.

He woke up, with a wide smile. His heart was throbbing, ready to tear his chest apart and jump out. It was a dream, but as vivid as life. It had been days since he saw her, rather years now already, in life. But today, he finally had a glimpse, even if it was a dream. Yes, a dream this vivid, as vivid as life.

Minutes had gone by. He now started recovering, into the reality. The dream had come to an end. He, now, felt the chills of the northern air. Chills that could freeze. The blood felt like being called back upon by his heart, as he sat still like a ghoul. And now, there were no winter air chills. These were the chills that could freeze a soul.

This girl, this petite girl, who could do no harm, or so he thought, had entered his life, half a decade back. She plucked his heart out, and threw some life into it. Made him a man, who could now laugh, breathe, smile and enjoy small pleasures of life. And he allowed this sin. He let her pluck his heart, and carve it with her own knife.

Sin! Sin! Sin! Is what living beings around were yelling into his ear. But he couldn’t care less, for his heart, mind, soul was already handed over to this petite brunette. She showed him perspective. She showed him songs. She showed him breath, what it felt like living. He always feared life, but now with her, he feared death.

Everything seemed just perfect. On the last day of his life, half hour before he died, she cried, ”I love you! And I fear, I can’t live without you!”. He returned the words with a ‘too”. But the devil had different plans. Satan started dancing at the last half hour. He did not know, that would be the last night with her, and future had no chance.

Half of half a decade later, today, he sees her still. But not in life, for he is dead already, yet he still dreams. He woke up, with a wide smile. His heart was throbbing, ready to tear his chest apart and jump out. He finally had a glimpse of her. Her mother calling from the balcony. It was her, it was her, it was her without a doubt.

She was with him, as her mother watched up from their house, who knew, he loved her daughter, heads over heels. They had endless talks, right through the nights, right through the days. It felt like theirs was a story, that was about two inseparables. They celebrated even the month anniversaries, each month, in their own ways.

That was the dream he had that night. He dreamt of her. Her eyes, her sweet lips, her hair, her smile, everything from a fairy tale. He remembered every feature clearly, the mole beneath her lips, the long nails painted always. He even remembered how she weighed. In his dreams, it was their spring days.

Time. Though time is a player, who keeps his cards close. Never reveals. Has never disclose, as to what is kept in his deck. That bastard. Oh Time! That bastard! Showed them days, euphoric. Made him feel that she is now all his. All of her was all of his. Made them feel like question of tying knots was now only rhetoric.

Everything came smashing down. She went away. He was left behind. For months to come, he kept writing letters and odes to her deaf ears. The ship had sailed, said she, without bidding goodbyes. Hell. He would have never accepted a goodbye. So she moved on as he held on. She went away, but he would stay.

Half of half a decade has gone by, and yet he holds on to her, her spirit. A dream makes him smile, a dream makes him cry, a dream is all he got to live now. He has been dead long time past. Only these dreams act as a window to his life, to his past. He walks alone between the fringes of time, one moment present, most moments in past.

Damaged. —
Week #1 : Females, Politics, and Life around Cafe #officediaries — July 22, 2015

Week #1 : Females, Politics, and Life around Cafe #officediaries

After completing my bachelors, and entering a professional environment, there are couple of revelations I have had, within the first week. I thought humans, around the same habitat, spoke same language. In my case, I thought Hindi and English, and maybe a little Punjabi, would be the languages of choice, where I work.
But I was wrong. Surprisingly, the office habitat is not the same as the realm outside the glass windows. The working professionals have their own thing going on. And I shit you not, it is a crazy world in here!

Now, I shouldn’t have been that surprised. I mean, the small little evidences were always around me, in the University. I had my suspicions, but then I suppressed them, calling it a fragment of my imagination. But now here is the real deal. Women at work, a WHOLE DIFFERENT LANGUAGE. I mean, it might sound as English or Hindi or any other language. But I kid you not, it is incomprehensible! Most of it, you will never understand!

They might sound as something that is usual to your ears, but your soul will be lost, like the little kids in Jurassic Park! On one of the days, I remember this happening.

Some lady dropped by the HR Department, and apparently had some issues regarding Leave Policy. Now, she sat down with her “friend”, the HR Executive. By the sound of it, the executive amicably told her that she will not be able to help her, as according to some policy, her leave would not be counted. Everything seemed fine so far! It sounded like simple English. No problems.
Now the HR Executive needed some help from the fellow lady. She needed to use her mobile phone. What she says next, will blow your mind! (thanks to in making things sound overly-drastic).

“Sorry ya! I wont be able to help you, because my SIM card is not working, so now it won’t unlock at all! ”
Whoa! What was that? SIM card not working, so the keypad wont unlock??

While this still might sound like something spoken in normal English. But now let’s reverse the tape and try to understand this in Female language.

Scene 1

Woman walks in, hoping her friend, who works in HR dept, to oversee her negligence, and miscommunication, and grant her the leave that she had requested.
HR Executive refuses to help partially because she is self righteous, and partially because, “When was the last time she ever helped her.

Scene 2

Now the HR executive needs help from the same lady in front. The lady in front, “this is why I don’t help you! Just now i needed a favour, to which you refused. Let the game begin!”

LANGUAGE DECODED!! Boom. Chapter Females closed.

Politics begin.

Office politics is something that I do not find the works of over-smart geniuses trying to grip on to the game of thrones in the office environment. I think it is the game of fools, who prefer wasting their time to pull down others, rather than climbing up the ladder themselves.

“Would you be able to handle the work?”

“You are a fresher. How will you face the transition from college to work?”

“So you are the IT guy. What exactly would you do to help the organization?”

Totally felt like ragging days in college! I was selected into the organization through a selection process that had couple of interview rounds. But the secret is, those interviews were only so that you can wear the company’s leash around your neck. There are next set of interviews awaiting once you enter the premises. Now those interviews are there to feed the egos of the ones who are going to be sitting around your table for the rest of your life, while at the same office, if you survive it.

There are moments when you feel you are not being questioned to know you better, but to question your talent. To question your right to work in the same office.

Thankfully I had one weapon, that shut all these questions. One reply to starve people off their hunger of ego.

“Yes, of course, I mean I am a fresher. But I was interviewed by the CEO of the company, which means he saw something in me. So any question about my existence here, actually means questioning the authority, intellect and the decision of the CEO”
*OUCH* That burns! 

Coming on to Life Around Cafe

Now office is not as bad as it looks. There are those 15 minute breaks when workers become persons. They share their stories and jokes during the coffee breaks and lunch times.

It is fun hearing how someone is living in a family where the in laws turn up every time when the husband-wife try to get cozy at some run-away spot! How they always accompany, when it was supposed to be a romantic dinner. There are young people with young problems. How there never are enough clothes before a party! The foodies are there to talk about the fancy place they visited over the weekend! Every Monday begins with “how was your Sunday?”

Moments like these evade the rest of the negativity around work, and office timings become pleasurable. And as long as there is healthy competition, it is all fine and merry!

If I showed you my Teardrops! —

If I showed you my Teardrops!

Found this amazing poem over twitter today, “If I showed you my teardrops” by Ernest Hemingway. Just re-sharing it!

If I showed you my teardrops,
Would you collect them like rain,
Store them in jars,
That are labelled with “Pain”,
Would you follow their tracks,
From my eyes down my cheeks,
As they write all the stories,
I’m too scared to speak,
Would you stop them with kisses,
Bring their flow to a halt,
As you teach me that pain,
Isn’t always my fault,
Would you hold my face gently,
As you dry both my eyes,
And whisper the words,
“You’re too precious to cry”,
If I showed you my teardrops,
Would you show me your own,
And learn though we’re lonely,
We’re never alone.

Ernest Hemingway

Day 1 : July 1 2015 #officediaries — July 17, 2015

Day 1 : July 1 2015 #officediaries

Every time I pounce onto something new, some achievement, or if I meet someone new, I feel tremors deep into my skin till the bones. I am not really comfortable to new. New surroundings. However, it does not mean i am unwelcoming to new. It is like when you are a guest, and nachos with Mayo is served, you don’t jump into the servings at one go. Rather you take time, select single nacho, shyly refuse when asked to take more.

It just takes a little longer than most people to adjust to new.

1st of July was my first day at work, straight out of college. First job, an experience that is first of its kind. And God knows I was nervous to the core. I suddenly felt like a GIANT. A GIANT with giant feet, giant body. Huge. So huge that I needed to make my movements as noiseless as possible. And be as careful as possible, so that I didn’t break anything around me. Heck, I was minding every little footstep, as I suddenly felt so heavy that I might break the floors down, and bring the entire office building down to debris. It was my fourth glass of water within first 30 minutes of entering the building. And it wasn’t even hot, specially when I was sitting inside a centrally air conditioned premises. Each sip of a size of 200 ml, to ease down my breathing cycle.

And as if I was not nervous enough, the formal wear, and those leather shoes made it a point that there is no scope left for my embarrassment. The shoes! Oh god the shoes, they creaked, and made loud squishy noise while I was following my Human Resource executive through the entire building.

It was introduction time for the new duckling in the squad. I was walking around all the floors meeting new faces, new names and designations that you would only hear on the televisions! Who knows how long it took for the lady who was taking me around, to learn all those names!

All these feelings were wrapping and choking my throat, despite the fact that just across my room sat someone, more like an elder sister, who had known me since my childhood! I wonder how many mini strokes I would have already had, if she was not there to pass those casual smiles and small talks to keep me talking and ease off the nervousness.

I am pretty sure my soul was gasping for air, like when your swimming trainer forcefully puts your head down into the water, when you are new to waters.

While I was going through all these feelings, the time came, for the official professional uber pro tasks. Office ID that had an RF-ID chip to mark attendances, a mobile phone with a new mobile number for office business, a corner of the room which is now going to be my work space.

There is something I should tell you about this mobile phone. It is a Nokia, some primitive model. I can imagine the devilish laughter of the management when they would have picked these tiny little blue creatures, that have no SD card, no camera, no data connectivity, forget about the Bluetooth and an MP3 player. All it has is a FM Radio player, and just for some extra fun, no ear-phones!

Suddenly I feel my shirt pocket heavier. I took a look. It had 4 ball point pens, a handkerchief, the tiny mobile phone, and the ID card crying for help for some space of its own. What the hell was I doing with 4 pens!! I guess, being over precautions was what it was. For not looking like a klutz that I am.

The moment the clock struck 6 pm, that’s when I took my first full breath of the day! Phew! Day 1 over!

Were I Not I —
A Shield of Lies — July 14, 2015

A Shield of Lies

He thought he recovered,
From injuries that he suffered.
But little did he know,
The next set of aches had buffered.

It had been months since he drank,
Into the routines he sank.
But he had no clue,
Drinking her from the glass, about which he was blank.

In human age, years had flown past,
Flags of peace on the mast.
But emotions would flood him,
Love, tremble, smile, shake, and aghast

She wants him to let go and walk ahead,
How can he, when all he sees is her besides on his bed?
But lovers became strangers somehow,
Will they, wont they, would they, someday wed?

He looks into his pocket, he ran out of smoke,
Asks for company to some new office bloke.
But scared that he would crumble,
Because now his feelings were reduced to a joke.

His test continues still,
He takes it, with all his will.
Because faith and love is all he got,
Sweep her off her feet, that he shall, and that he will.

New Document. —

New Document.

Whenever I sit down on my laptop, usually there are many files open out in front of me. The unfinished business from previous night. The document files open, and the cursor still blinking in front of that last sentence.

I woke up on 1st July 2015, at an hour of the day I never thought I would be able to wake up at, 6 am. I rubbed my eyes, and blinked them for a couple of times, metaphorically, like the cursor at the end of the line. I wanted to hold on to that moment, for very soon, I would be starting on with a New Document in life.

Many times, there is a thick yet invisible line that parts you from your past and future. The present. The reason why this line is drawn thick, is because it is here, upon this line, that we take decisions, that shall leave marks, and blots that shall be visible in the future.

I was about to begin with my new document. But unlike every other day, when I chose to not go through the previously opened files, today I planned on visiting those words, one last time, before I started with the new beginning.

It is funny how when someone once meant the world to you, is now a stranger, in some other part of the world, and the face is no longer what you remember, only the moments shared is what lies behind. And then when you least expect it, when you are at an all time low, miracles happen and lift you up, and you find people who know your worth, and value your words. My studies of engineering were not just a 4 year course at a University, it was a journey, an experience, and more like a workshop on how to live life.

And now, just when I started getting comfortable with a lifestyle that gave me a new perspective and a feeling of joy in life, I need to move ahead with a new chapter. A career, job, and professionalism, they were waiting to pounce on to me like an excited pet.
Here I stood, on that line, on the fence that differentiated the green path that lied behind, and the unknown land, covered in mist, that I would need to walk on to ahead.

A start of the day, full of unsurety.

I wasn’t her man… — September 16, 2014

I wasn’t her man…

Sunday morning, at the cafè I sat
And as I slurped my coffee, she made a face
Quite some etiquette she carried, as she munched away her croissant
Without slurping the coffee, sipped it with a grace.

Now, you need to know, how beautiful she looks
When she tucks her hair, her earrings tingle
While gazing into her magazine, stirs her coffee
When she hums a song from radio, or from a TV, a jingle.

She looked with her eyes penetrating through
Her lips thick, some whispers she blew
I couldn’t focus on what she was speaking
Some good news? At work? But she was happy I knew.

As i took my last sip, and paid the bill
She swung her backpack, caressed her new hairdo
Together we headed towards the busy subway
I punched my token, caught her doing too.

She pointed out to the baby, baby on the train
She clapped her hands, so happy
But just then gave a little frown, I laughed
‘Cause I knew, the baby had to change her nappy.

Throughout the ride she talked, talked so much
People threw looks, what do they know?
Of the songs? Of the melody? In her voice.
She told her stories, within which new stories would grow.

Everytime she would look at me
I would lose a breath to her, everytime
She would realise it, and would look out of train
For a while. If she didnt smile, it seemed like a crime.

She rested her head on the shoulders
Entwined her fingers and kissed the palm
The paint of her lips, she would wipe
Her eyes blue as ocean, make my heart go calm.

My heart aches as I now realise her destination is around now, I go back in time now.
She had the coffee, she boarded the train, she pointed out to the baby, she sung her stories, she made heart calm, she kissed the palm, showed her love as much as she can,
But I… I wasnt who she was with. She was with someone else the whole time. Sadly, I was just a by-passenger. I wasn’t her man.

Indian Army at Jammu and Kashmir — September 8, 2014

Indian Army at Jammu and Kashmir

Salute to the Indian army and the NDRF team who are out there saving lives stuck in floods at Jammu and Kashmir. A small dedication.

सन्नाटों की आवाज़ थी सुनी पिछली कई रात
घबराया सा हुआ रहा सारी रात
ख्यालों की बिछी हुई थी एक जमात

कुछ क्षणों में हज़ारों सोच सोच लिए देनी पड़ेगी दात
दिल में जो थे होठों पर आकार रुके रहे वह जज़्बात

कमाया सब ने खूब है सुनाया सबने खूब है। पर उस बेज़ुबान पिता की भी सुनलो एक बात
जिसका खून बचाने गया है जन्नत में जिंदगियां जागते हुए दिन पूरी पूरी रात।


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